tongue and groove

natural human purpose

this morning i read Gretchen Rubin's assay, Why I No Longer Worry About Having a "Personal Style."  the line that really jumped out at me was this:

I don’t want to think too much about making authentic choices about things I don’t authentically care about.

in my previous post i found myself wondering if big dreams are really only big dreams if we have an audience for them. as we share more and more of our private lives and selves online, it's hard not to fall into the trap of caring about certain things simply because everyone else seems to. at times, the blogosphere and its offshoot, social networking, can feel like high school 2.0, filled with cliques, competition, comparisons, striving, disappointment and hurt feelings.

we can end up caring about our "personal style" not just in our closets and homes, but also in the online environments we create and share. we manipulate our image and style via the photos and videos we share. some develop a certain look online. some develop a look that's appealing to so many people that they spawn copycats. we might look around and think that if only our blogs, images, wardrobes, homes and art looked like that person's over there, then maybe we'd have lots of commenters, followers, fans and subscribers, too. but do we stop to ask ourselves if we authentically care about any of it? or do we adopt caring about it out of a need for acceptance and/or connection? sometimes it seems to me that we're so caught up in witnessing each other's lives that we forget to live inside our own. who are we doing this for?

please know i'm not judging anyone's choices--this is just me sharing what i'm thinking about these days. asking myself, as Gretchen wrote, what i authentically care about. as part of Mondo Beyondo, i created a list of big dreams, yet when i opened the list a week later to re-read it, i found myself wondering: whose dreams are these? are these really my dreams? do i authentically care about them, or are they dreams that someone with my skills, talents, interests should/would/could have? did i write them just to have something to write, or was that really my heart speaking?

if you missed it yesterday, i hope you'll check out my La Salonniere interview with Patti Digh. the last question i posed to her was about desire lines...about natural human purpose. i guess that's what i'm trying to get at: what's my natural purpose? not the one i'm adopting because others have, but the path i would naturally gravitate toward without any outside influence. it's there that my truest big dreams reside.

does it count if no one claps?

i read a post early this moring about big dreams and something that's been tickling the back of my mind for awhile leaped forward. does it count as a big dream if no one notices? do all of our big dreams have to have an audience?

we live so much of our lives in public now. anyone and everyone can blog, tweet and Facebook. we upload photos and videos by the thousands to document our lives. we connect with thousands of people we may never meet in person via social networks. but where do our dreams--our biggest, heart-centered dreams--fit into all of this? do they only matter if we accomplish them to a chorus of cheers from our support network? is a big dream by its very nature something that must have outside validation? does it count less if we do it just for ourselves and keep it private?

what questions should i be asking myself?

for decades i've been joking with friends, "why can't someone just pay me to be me?" so imagine my glee when i read this quote in Maira Kalman: Various Illuminations (of a Crazy World):

"Basically I get paid to be myself--and for my imagination. My job is to be as creative and as eccentric as I can possibly be, and my job changes every day because I'm obsessed with changes."

dream job, right? except it's not as easy as it sounds:

"Not trying to be anything other than who you are. That's an absurdly difficult thing to do, and it takes many years."

no shit.

this morning i had the sudden thought: maybe i should make a list of all the things i say i should be doing, but don't do. like writing, for example. for probably 25 years, people (the infamous "people") have been telling me that i should write. given that i have nothing but time on my hands these days, it seems like if i really wanted to write, i'd be doing it. (more than the occasional blog post, i mean.) do i say i want to write because i actually have the desire, or do i tell myself i should have the desire because others tell me i might have a knack for it?

at the library the other day, i spotted an anthology of essays, Mentors, Muses & Monsters - 30 Writers on the People Who Changed Their Lives. in the opening essay, the book's editor Elizabeth Benedict writes of her mentor, Elizabeth Hardwick, someone she studied with in 1970's:

She had been a towering figure to us when we were very young, the first real writer any of us knew at a time that's hard to imagine now, when "women writers" were an exotic species, and when wanting to grow up and be one put you in far more exclusive company than it does today. It was not as rare as wanting to be President--which no one wanted to do--but for either sex, it was far from the bustling, vocational school industry that it is today.

suddenly i was 17 again, in Miss M's junior English class and being handed back my modern, satirical take on the Cinderella fable. she'd given me an A- on the story and written in the margin: "The minus is because I doubt its originality." i felt like someone had kicked me in the solar plexus. she thought i'd plagiarized it? although i'd slogged through the horrible 500-word essays sometimes assigned to us in high school English classes about books i loathed (so-called classics), this was the first piece of original writing i'd ever dared to attempt. i can still remember lying on my twin bed in my childhood bedroom and smiling when it was done because (ohmygod) i think it might be actually sort of good and maybe even funny. my dear friend who sat next to me in class saw how crushed i was about the teacher's remark and tried to console me by telling me i should feel flattered that my writing would seem like a professional's. but i didn't feel flattered--i felt invisible. it felt like the message was loud and clear: you are not capable of doing this. and i didn't write again until i was 30.

going back to Benedict's description of wanting to be a writer in the 70's, it did seem exotic and rare to have those desires back then. (i was 17 in 1972.) i lived in a small town with a single father who to this day, i've never heard utter the words "creative" or "creativity." "art" was for a very select few and in those days i think i equated art with painting. (i had two friends whose dads were painters.) i'm not sure it occurred to me that performers were artists, even though i'd been performing (often secretly) since i was little, let alone that art could be associated with words. i wasn't a reader back then. in fact, i hated to read except for Seventeen magazine and i loved Seventeen for the images, not the articles.

in November i began keeping a 'spirit notebook' after seeing this video by Lori-Lyn (she talks about her spirit notebook beginning at the 1:30 mark). the other day i realized that there are more collages in mine than anything else. (i realize we call them dreamboards now, but i've been making them for 30 years so still think of them as collages.) ;) i've always been powerfully drawn to images, yet i often try to do most of my communicating in a more linear fashion with words. today i'm asking myself: do i do that because that's what feels most natural, or do i often use words rather than images because i think that's what others expect of me?

scrolling through all of the lovely messages left on my Facebook wall on my birthday earlier this month, it jumped out at me that the only two people who remarked on my humor or wit were two old high school friends, one of whom was the friend who tried to console me over that A-. the three of us reconnected at Facebook about 1-1/2 years ago and write to each other a couple of times a week there, so my humor is on display for them on a regular basis. in Mondo Beyondo we were asked to do an exercise to come up with our core values. humor is one of mine. that secret performing life i kept as a child? a big part of it was practicing my stand-up and impersonations. i live for humor, yet i'll bet most people who read here would be surprised to learn that. i don't often display my humor here because when i've tried to do that in the past (on any of my blogs), it's often been misinterpreted. so i keep that part of myself offline for the most part.

it's only just now occurred to me that Miss M not only snatched away my dream of writing, she may have also snatched away my dream of humor because the thing i loved most about that essay i'd written was its humor. the other day i read a post by Martha Beck, 20 questions that could change your life. number 10 stopped me in my tracks: "What's so funny?"

people are surprised when i say that i never had a teacher along the way who inspired me. the response is usually: well, surely there must have been one...? no. i had a lot of adults along the way tell me what i couldn't do and often what i should do, according to their beliefs and/or their perception of me. i think that's why sometimes i feel bothered by some things i've seen emerge in the blogosphere over the years. do we take on certain likes, activities and pursuits because they're really what we desire, or do we adopt them to fit in? do we choose our tribe, or do we let our tribe choose us?

the #1 question in that list of 20 from Martha Beck? "What questions should I be asking myself?" i guess i just answered that.

"I respectfully do not care." ~Martha Beck

today is my birthday. i'm not mentioning that because i want you to wish me Happy Birthday. (i imagine i'll get more than my fair share of that on Facebook.)  ;)  i'm telling you to let you know my frame of mind as i look back on another year of my life and look forward to what's ahead.

on Friday morning, i listened to Koren Motekaitis' live radio interview of Martha Beck. now i love Martha Beck as much as the next gal. who doesn't love Martha? she cuts to the chase and makes us laugh with her writing. but i really loved what Martha had to say on Friday because it sounded like she's reached a point in her life where all that stuff that people become life coaches to get...all that stuff those life coaches help others try to get...all that stuff people are scrambling up the dream life pyramid to try to obtain...Martha was letting us know that none of it really matters. it may seem odd for America's most famous life coach to say that all of those things we've been  seeking are really just superficial and, frankly, who gives a crap? in the interview Koren asked if she didn't need to get all of those things before she figured that out, and Martha admits that she did. she said people had told her many times that she'd feel that way once she got there, but she had to experience it for herself. and that's true of most life experience, isn't it? no matter how many times someone tries to 'warn' us of something, we insist on plowing ahead and ramming our heads into those brick walls just to see for ourselves how much it hurts.  :) 

i loved this interview so much that i listened to it again yesterday when Koren had the audio posted on her website and the second time i took some notes. Martha said the biggest advantage of getting all those cultural success markers (having a NY Times bestseller, being on Oprah, whatever) is that when you reach those things, you learn how hollow they truly are.  she said, "the world offers the illusion of synthetic joy" and reminded us that the things that truly give our lives meaning--joy, the ability to give and receive love, a connection to something larger than ourselves--are always available to us. she talked about how people tend to think of their higher power as a sort of narcissistic, human personality--as if we're striving to attain material and societal success markers to impress him/her/it. she said something that resonated deeply with me because i've experienced it myself:  that if those success markers (money, whatever) are the goal in and of itself, it never works. it's only when we allow those things to be the byproducts of what we're striving for that they'll come to us. about 18 years ago, i got a call asking if i wanted to produce something. i didn't and i turned the job offer down. a second call came, asking again--again i said no. then a third call--that time i reluctantly said yes...even though i didn't want to do it. i told myself i would do it just for the money. i'm sure you can guess what happened--the whole project blew up and all i ended up with was some money. i hated myself so much for having gone against my own wishes that as a result, i left an industry that at one time i thought was my (so-called) dream job. that might sound extreme, but it was such an important life lesson and one that i'd known in my heart to be true all along. yet there've been times when i've still had to re-learn it all over again. (Marilyn, meet brick wall.) all that stuff people tell us we should have? it doesn't matter! who are we trying to impress? or as Martha phrased it in that interview, "what are we trying to be worthy of?"

Martha said her theme for this year is: "I respectfully do not care." i love that.  :)  she tells of being invited to the launch party of Oprah's OWN network on New Year's Eve. she asked herself what would really make her happy--how would she really like to spend New Year's Eve? and instead of going to that party--one that some people would have given their left arm to attend--she stayed home with her family, watched reruns of The Dog Whisperer and went to bed at 9:00. now that is a woman after my own heart.  ;)  she quoted a line from poet Mary Oliver, "the world keeps offering me its busyness, it will not believe I do not want it."

it's not that i don't care about goals or success or prosperity--it's that they're not my primary motivation. and if they're yours, please know from the bottom of my heart that i'm not judging anyone else. on my birthday i just wanted to share some life lessons i've had to learn the hard way. i have dreams and things i want to do in this life (my own version of a bucket list or what Martha calls WIGs, Wildly Improbable Goals). it's just that i agree so profoundly with what she said in that  interview on Friday--that she feels the most important thing is that "there's a certain amount of love that wants to enter the world" and that she wants to "be part of the delivery system for that." it always comes back to love, doesn't it? so on my birthday, that's what i ask myself, "how can i deliver some love to the world today?" and i hope it's what i'll be asking myself every day in this, my 56th year.

expertise is overrated

"I just kind of started doing it...My lack of knowledge in the beginning really helped and really just made me refine what little I knew."  ~The Sartorialist

whatever it is...that secret idea you've had squirreled away for someday...take it out, dust it off, let it see the light of day. breathe some life into it. don't wait for permission or for someday...just start doing it...now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

if you missed it earlier this week, i hope you'll check out my La Salonniere interview with the very talented musician and filmmaker Eric Shiveley.

there's a brand-new interview--and a surprise--coming on Monday!

touchstones

i thought about putting this post up on January 1, but i was really enjoying having a quiet, introspective New Year's Day. i think it may have been the first New Year's Day where i didn't turn on the TV. no Rose Parade, no bowl games. we had chilly rain off and on all day. it was a good day to stay in my jammies and robe, sit in bed surrounded by magazines and make a few collage pages in my big spiral notebook. although my notebook was inspired by Lori-Lyn's "spirit notebook" (1:45 mark), i've taken to calling mine my 'look book.' that's a phrase that's usually more associated with fashion or design, but it seems apt since as i'm flipping back through pages i often think, "oh, look, i forgot about that!" how quickly i forget about dreams i've had, thoughts that have suddenly leaped to mind, things that are like huge neon arrows pointing in the direction my path is headed.

when i read Barbara Sher's Wishcraft 30 years ago, there were some concepts that really jumped out at me and stuck with me all these years. one of those is the idea of touchstones. Barbara talks about touchstones in the Wishing part of her book. she uses the example of two women who wanted to act. both had the same goal, but their touchstones were very different. one wanted to be an actress for "glamour and publicity"; the other wanted to to do it to gain "acclaim for fine acting." Barbara says, "Your touchstone is the emotional core of your goal--what you want and need from it, what you love best about it." Barbara writes, "...if you can put your touchstone into one or a few words, it will not only help you pick a target that's loaded with the kind of sweets that nourish you, it will also show you how to design the shortest, most direct and gratifying route to that goal, and it will get you to the essence of any goal that looks impossible." (italics hers)

last Thursday i watched this video by Lori-Lyn. passion was her word for 2010. at the 2:40 mark in the video, she talks about how she moved passion to the forefront of her actions in 2010, "i made my passion my primary occupation."  well, duh...right? except...i don't do that a lot of the time. i have often made other people's passions my primary occupation. i even sometimes do it on this blog. you know how it is in the blogosphere--some meme gets started and pretty soon many of us are jumping on the bandwagon. Reverb 10 was a perfect example of that. i had no intention of participating, but i'd been suffering from blogger's block--feeling at a loss as to what to write about here. so at the last minute--just before the first prompt was posted--i decided i'd do a month of Reverb 10 just to have some writing prompts. but the prompts weren't speaking to me and i knew that early on, yet i still kept at it for most of the month.

why was i suffering from blogger's block? because i wasn't focused on my passions. i was unconsciously focused on your passions. i honestly didn't realize i was doing that. i'm sincere when i say that i don't write this blog for an audience. that goes against what all the blogging and branding 'experts' tell you to do, but i learned years ago that--for me--it's not a healthy way to blog. no wonder i was blocked. i was writing primarily for myself, but trying to find subjects that might interest you. i know, it doesn't make sense, hence the block.

one evening last week, J was at a gig and i was working on something. at one point, i wondered what time it was, figuring i'd been at it for maybe an hour. i'd been at it for four hours. my jaw dropped. when was the last time i'd so completely lost track of time? i love when that happens! it was such a big reminder that most of the time i haven't been putting my passions first. it's time to stop using my passions as filler--to be squeezed in around other much less important activities.

yesterday as i was looking ahead to the new year, i thought about this blog. i briefly considered having a posting schedule. i love how some blogs post certain things on certain days. i could see how it might lend a rhythm to the week. but there's a powerful truth i know about myself but didn't actually own up to until last week:  i savor ritual, but hate schedules. i innately rebel against them. so there won't be a weekly posting schedule here. and i may take weekends off from blogging, but since i don't like schedules there won't be any hard and fast rules. if i feel like blogging on the weekends, i will.

the only thing i can tell you for sure about the year ahead on this blog is that Mondays will feature a new interview at La Salonniere. my interview blog has quickly become a passion. i'm so grateful to the four women who launched it with me in December and i'm really excited about what's ahead for 2011. you can click that beautiful badge in the sidebar (created by Irene Nam) at any time to jump over to La Salonniere.

2011 is going to be all about my touchstones. my touchstones. my passions. and that, my friends, is my word for this year:  passion.

The 1st Annual Marilyn Awards

the final Reverb 10 prompt from Molly O'Neill is:  "Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?"

it's awards season in the film industry. i love films and this time of year i enjoy reading about the nominations, seeing films and performances that have been nominated, watching the awards shows and chatting with my fellow film lovers. since story is at the core of what makes a good film, it was what came to mind when i read today's prompt. i thought it might be fun to look back at my year by sharing some of this year's moments and stories in a nominations format. may i present the 1st Annual Marilyn Awards...

Best Art Direction - Bellagio Arboretum in Las Vegas

Best Cinematography - Flickr's 10.10.10 project (this is my shot)

Best Makeup - The nominations committe could not find enough instances of makeup use to even come up with a nomination, let alone an award. Check back next year.

Best Costume Design - thrift store pumpkin

Best Song - "Happy Birthday" performed for me by Joe Louis Walker and his band (with J on drums) from the stage in Nevada City, CA

Best Soundtrack - Fremont Street Experience in Las Vegas

Best Visual Effects - 4th of July fireworks in Watertown, SD

Best Series, Drama - my mom's life

Best Series, Comedy - my brother's life

Best Mini-Series - my relationship with J

Best Writing - Adapted Screenplay - Reverb 10

Best Writing - Original Screenplay - my poem in Creative Is a Verb

Best Documentary - Amgen Tour of California

Best Documentary Short Subject - Amelie

Best Film Editing - forgiveness for snapping a big chunk of grievance out of the loop that continuously plays in my head

Best Ensemble - my family for their performance in the 2-week run of South Dakota Family Vacation

Breakthrough Performance - my niece Ciara for her first solo plane ride and vacation

Best Actress in a Supporting Role - me in my roles as spouse, daughter, sister, aunt

Best Actress in a Leading Role - me in my role as interviewer at La Salonniere - the interviewing is genuine...it took some acting (as if) on my part to convince myself to do it.  ;)

Best First Feature - La Salonniere

Cecil B DeMille Award - my mother

Robert Altman Award - the community of creative bloggers, tweeters and Facebookers who are my tribe

Best Film - storyboarding my dreams (i suspect this will be the winner next year, too.)  ;)

here's a poem i wrote a few years ago that i recently came across...and, yes, it's called "storyboard your dreams"...

break the mold that's
grown around your
forgotten desires open
the windows and let the
air circulate around your
spirit so you can hold
your heart in your
hands until its wings
unfurl break the slumber
that's become your
mind's thoughts the
numbing drumming of
doubts that have formed
the backbeat of your
life write a new
soundtrack and
storyboard your dreams
casting yourself to the
winds as star

wishing everyone a beautiful, bright, shiny 2011. may your heart's wings unfurl in the coming year. xo

reverb 10 - lesson learned

it's day 17 of Reverb 10 and we're pondering lessons learned via a prompt from Tara Weaver: "What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?"

i read this prompt via email late last night and the first thing i thought was...[CRICKETS]. i got up this morning and as i was sipping my first cup of coffee, i opened my email and re-read it...same response...[AT A LOSS]. i started thinking really hard..."lessons...let's see...i suppose given the challenges this year there were a few things i don't want to do again...(sigh)...why is this prompt so hard?!"

jeez, i'm dense sometimes. and sometimes i make the simplest things really, really complicated. because this prompt isn't about my head...it's about action. and that was the best lesson i (re)learned this year:  for the love of god, JUST DO IT!  :)

i'd wanted to create an interview blog for probably five years. FIVE YEARS. i kept the idea in my head (because, lord knows, that's the best place for it) and every once in awhile, i'd ponder the possibility of it again...for FIVE YEARS. and then a couple of weeks ago i had the (novel) thought:  "hmmm...i guess i could just, you know, do it." but here's what had kept me from doing it for years...that thought was immediately followed by this one: "i wonder what would happen..."  what would happen?! what the hell did i think was going to happen? did i think the permission police were going to burst through the door shouting, "step away from the keyboard! we did not give you permission to do this project!" i guess on some level that must have been what i thought...because i had held a deep-seated belief that it was okay for you to pursue what you want to do...but it was definitely not okay for me. if you open Patti Digh's book, Creative Is a Verb, to page 198, you'll see my words about that exact thing: "...we sometimes fear we're not worthy of our own dreams so we quitclaim them to others saying here take my magic i won't be needing it and i'll even throw in the wand."

WTH? how long did i plan to keep all of these ideas in my head or continue to give them away? so in answer to the prompt, at the risk of sounding like a Nike ad, i'd say the biggest lesson i (re)learned this year (it's not like i haven't learned it 100 times already) was:  stop thinking about it and just do it. and next year? keep doing it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

for A Month of Music today here's a fantastic 1986 clip of Dr. John playing "Mac's Boogie."  he's about to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and most deservedly so.

 

reverb 10 - 5 minutes

it made me happy to open up the daily email from Reverb 10 this morning and find that the 15th prompt is from my dear friend Patti Digh. Patti's prompt is:  "5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010." i adore Patti and i love this prompt. okay, here goes...

i want to remember all of those moments with Amelie when she came to visit us. how she reminded me how very important coloring is...and how when you talk to ducks, it's best to get down to their level.

i want to remember how at the beginning of April i decided that since i had a lot of time on my hands this would be the year i'd really follow my life-long team, the San Francisco Giants...and all of those hours i spent watching games (when i very seldom even watch TV)...what joy it gave me...how it gave a rhythm to my days...how it reminded me to practice patience...and to never give up, because often when things seemed really hopeless they quickly turned around. i want to remember how utterly gleeful i felt when they kept winning in the post-season...and how when they won the World Series it seemed like a dream...like somehow their kismet might rub off on all of us who'd had a hard year, but had been given so much happiness by their joyful wins.

i want to remember all of those two weeks of moments when i was traveling with my family the first half of July. how i felt fishing on that lake in rural South Dakota with my brother and niece...how long it had been since i'd been out in nature with no one around. the cabin in the Black Hills...reading Pete Dexter's Deadwood when we were in Deadwood...visiting Mount Moriah Cemetery, like Western folklore come to life. i want to remember fishing...how i'd avoided it my entire life and how it felt so right and natural...how i loved the zen of it...and offered a prayer of gratitude to the fish for feeding us.

okay, my time's already up. i'd just like to offer a personal thank you to Patti who has single-handedly reminded me this year that i can, and sometimes do, write...by publishing one of my poems in Creative Is a Verb...and letting me see a bright spot for the spring when i'll have another piece in her new book.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

today at Wishcasting Wednesday, Jamie asks, "How do you wish to soar?"  by taking the best elements of 2010 and expanding them in 2011. more travel...more road trips...i'd like to take a long train trip in 2011...more music...more baseball...more writing...much more photography. i want to put more attention and energy into the things that truly make my heart sing and let them help me soar. often we make it so complicated...when really all we have to do is close our eyes...lift our 'wings'...and let go.

 (me, on the beach in my hometown, mid-90's)

reverb 10 - action

today's Reverb 10 prompt comes from Scott Belsky:  "Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?"

how fitting that is for me today. for years, i thought about doing an interview series via blogging, but i never did anything to make it happen. year after year, i'd write down my ideas and that would always be among them. but ideas don't do anything just by existing. we might feel inspired thinking about them, but they require action to have any meaning. i launched one of my ideas into action a little early (instead of waiting for the new year) and i'm so glad i did because it's inspiring me to dust off some of my other long-held ideas.

today i have a new interview up at my interview blog, La Salonniere. it's with my dear friend Irene Nam, a Paris-based photographer.

NOTE: that beautiful La Salonniere badge in the sidebar was generously made by Irene when i was struggling with teaching myself how to create one. a simple click of the badge will take you to the interview blog. thank you, Irene!

if you missed the first interview with Reiki master/intuitive healer Lori-Lyn Hurley, it's here.

i'm so enjoying doing these interviews. and even though i've known both of these interviewees for years, i'm learning new things about them! i love shining the spotlight on creative women! reading their words is inspiring me to put more of my ideas into action.