tongue and groove

what questions should i be asking myself?

for decades i've been joking with friends, "why can't someone just pay me to be me?" so imagine my glee when i read this quote in Maira Kalman: Various Illuminations (of a Crazy World):

"Basically I get paid to be myself--and for my imagination. My job is to be as creative and as eccentric as I can possibly be, and my job changes every day because I'm obsessed with changes."

dream job, right? except it's not as easy as it sounds:

"Not trying to be anything other than who you are. That's an absurdly difficult thing to do, and it takes many years."

no shit.

this morning i had the sudden thought: maybe i should make a list of all the things i say i should be doing, but don't do. like writing, for example. for probably 25 years, people (the infamous "people") have been telling me that i should write. given that i have nothing but time on my hands these days, it seems like if i really wanted to write, i'd be doing it. (more than the occasional blog post, i mean.) do i say i want to write because i actually have the desire, or do i tell myself i should have the desire because others tell me i might have a knack for it?

at the library the other day, i spotted an anthology of essays, Mentors, Muses & Monsters - 30 Writers on the People Who Changed Their Lives. in the opening essay, the book's editor Elizabeth Benedict writes of her mentor, Elizabeth Hardwick, someone she studied with in 1970's:

She had been a towering figure to us when we were very young, the first real writer any of us knew at a time that's hard to imagine now, when "women writers" were an exotic species, and when wanting to grow up and be one put you in far more exclusive company than it does today. It was not as rare as wanting to be President--which no one wanted to do--but for either sex, it was far from the bustling, vocational school industry that it is today.

suddenly i was 17 again, in Miss M's junior English class and being handed back my modern, satirical take on the Cinderella fable. she'd given me an A- on the story and written in the margin: "The minus is because I doubt its originality." i felt like someone had kicked me in the solar plexus. she thought i'd plagiarized it? although i'd slogged through the horrible 500-word essays sometimes assigned to us in high school English classes about books i loathed (so-called classics), this was the first piece of original writing i'd ever dared to attempt. i can still remember lying on my twin bed in my childhood bedroom and smiling when it was done because (ohmygod) i think it might be actually sort of good and maybe even funny. my dear friend who sat next to me in class saw how crushed i was about the teacher's remark and tried to console me by telling me i should feel flattered that my writing would seem like a professional's. but i didn't feel flattered--i felt invisible. it felt like the message was loud and clear: you are not capable of doing this. and i didn't write again until i was 30.

going back to Benedict's description of wanting to be a writer in the 70's, it did seem exotic and rare to have those desires back then. (i was 17 in 1972.) i lived in a small town with a single father who to this day, i've never heard utter the words "creative" or "creativity." "art" was for a very select few and in those days i think i equated art with painting. (i had two friends whose dads were painters.) i'm not sure it occurred to me that performers were artists, even though i'd been performing (often secretly) since i was little, let alone that art could be associated with words. i wasn't a reader back then. in fact, i hated to read except for Seventeen magazine and i loved Seventeen for the images, not the articles.

in November i began keeping a 'spirit notebook' after seeing this video by Lori-Lyn (she talks about her spirit notebook beginning at the 1:30 mark). the other day i realized that there are more collages in mine than anything else. (i realize we call them dreamboards now, but i've been making them for 30 years so still think of them as collages.) ;) i've always been powerfully drawn to images, yet i often try to do most of my communicating in a more linear fashion with words. today i'm asking myself: do i do that because that's what feels most natural, or do i often use words rather than images because i think that's what others expect of me?

scrolling through all of the lovely messages left on my Facebook wall on my birthday earlier this month, it jumped out at me that the only two people who remarked on my humor or wit were two old high school friends, one of whom was the friend who tried to console me over that A-. the three of us reconnected at Facebook about 1-1/2 years ago and write to each other a couple of times a week there, so my humor is on display for them on a regular basis. in Mondo Beyondo we were asked to do an exercise to come up with our core values. humor is one of mine. that secret performing life i kept as a child? a big part of it was practicing my stand-up and impersonations. i live for humor, yet i'll bet most people who read here would be surprised to learn that. i don't often display my humor here because when i've tried to do that in the past (on any of my blogs), it's often been misinterpreted. so i keep that part of myself offline for the most part.

it's only just now occurred to me that Miss M not only snatched away my dream of writing, she may have also snatched away my dream of humor because the thing i loved most about that essay i'd written was its humor. the other day i read a post by Martha Beck, 20 questions that could change your life. number 10 stopped me in my tracks: "What's so funny?"

people are surprised when i say that i never had a teacher along the way who inspired me. the response is usually: well, surely there must have been one...? no. i had a lot of adults along the way tell me what i couldn't do and often what i should do, according to their beliefs and/or their perception of me. i think that's why sometimes i feel bothered by some things i've seen emerge in the blogosphere over the years. do we take on certain likes, activities and pursuits because they're really what we desire, or do we adopt them to fit in? do we choose our tribe, or do we let our tribe choose us?

the #1 question in that list of 20 from Martha Beck? "What questions should I be asking myself?" i guess i just answered that.

how not to be dream-bored

in 1978, Shakti Gawain wrote a book called Creative Visualization. i read it in 1981 (and i remember the year because i vividly remember where i was living when i read it). i don't remember how i came across it...maybe via my airy-fary mom, or maybe it was on display at my neighborhood bookstore, the one where Van Morrison used to hang out in the coffee shop. (it's published by a Marin County publisher a few towns north of where i was living.)

i was living in Mill Valley with two roommates...an old friend who was a dancer and choreographer and a woman who worked at a ceramics factory by day and took Scientology classes by night. i was spending my days making little more than minimum wage selling ridiculously-overpriced clothes (a la $400 blouses) in a snooty downtown boutique. i had devoted the previous year of my life to one of my biggest passions:  studying dance. i'd lived a couple of counties away then, driving two hours round-trip two days a week to immerse myself day and night in classes in technique (modern, jazz, Afro-Haitian, ballet), stagecraft and dance history. i'd supported myself by working the other three weekdays as a housekeeper for a wealthy chiropractor and his family. i was in my mid-20's and still trying to find my way. (and i suppose there's no need to point out the obvious...what's changed?!)  ;)

Creative Visualization was a revelation. it was a simple book and a quick read. i don't mean it's simplistic; i mean Gawain writes in a clear voice that makes the concepts easy to understand. as she noted in the 2002 revised edition (that Amazon link), she and her friend had very little money and almost no knowledge of the publishing business. the book had been placed in just a few bookstores and quickly sold via word-of-mouth. as of 2002, more than 6 million copies had been sold worldwide.

for a year or so prior to reading the book, i'd been making a lot of collages. i'd hang them on my bedroom walls for inspiration. when i reached the latter part of Creative Visualization and saw a chapter called "Treasure Maps," i got very excited. ohmygod, my collages had a name! i'd been making treasure maps all along and didn't know it!

fast forward a few decades and there's Oprah and The Secret and the "Law of Attraction" (precepts written about by other authors earlier in the 20th century) and dreamboards. Gawain wrote her book after visiting India in the early 70's. some of these ideas have been around a very, very long time. whether or not we hear about them depends on timing and marketing and the zeitgeist.

i love dreamboards as much as the next gal. hell, i've been making them off and on for 30 years! :) but given that i've been reading about them for such a long time, i don't often get truly excited about them. and then yesterday my friend Lori-Lyn posted this video. she begins with a brief introduction about why she's talking about dreamboards on 11/11. i love the way she lays out her thoughts here, and she radiates such a beautiful, calm, loving energy. watching it got me inspired enough to walk down to Borders yesterday afternoon (coupon in hand) to purchase a large spiral-bound notebook to use as a "spirit notebook." if you can spare 10 minutes, pour yourself a cup of tea or coffee and take a look.

 

fresh start

Jamie's question at Wishcasting Wednesday today is, "Where do you wish to make a fresh start?"

the first thing that comes to mind is...perspective. i want to bend over at the waist and shake my head like an Etch-a-Sketch and create a blank slate. i wish to let go of old filters and expectations and burdens and propensity to put others' needs first. i wanna flip the telescope around and peer through the 'wrong' end to remind myself that if i imagine i'm already there, then here isn't so far away after all.

i made this collage a couple of days ago while sitting in the yard. until i accordion-pleated that one photo it hadn't occurred to me that when i make collages not everything has to lie flat. (which i just accidentally typed as "life flat"...Freudian slip much?!)  :)

see? perspective.

3-D

the other day i started to recycle a small, open-faced cardboard box when it suddenly hit me that it would be a good foundation for a sort of diorama...for a 3-D collage, if you will. i've loved to make collages since i was in my 20's. i don't know why i find it appealing and relaxing. maybe it's like a grown-up version of paper dolls, which i loved as a kid. i go for long stretches of time without making any...but when i do, i always wonder why i don't do it more often since it gives me such pleasure.

i was up very early this morning with J as he prepared to leave for a road trip. after he left, despite the alarming hour, i felt wide awake. so i grabbed that little box, an issue of Travel+Leisure, scissors and glue stick and sat down to play paper dolls. this was the result. it was hard to photograph. here's a collage with the entire box and a few shots of detail...

and here's a shot of the box alone...

actually, the only 3-D portions are the boat, the lotus flowers and the woman soaking in the tub...though it's hard to tell that from the photos.

i guess if there's a theme to this one it would be luxury and escape.  ;)

it's no great shakes as collages go, but it was a fun exercise to to use something other than a flat surface. if you decide to try one, let me know.

excavation

this week at Wishcasting Wednesday Jamie asks, "What do you wish for your creativity?" my wish this week is to unearth some of it. i'm not talking about inner work (though that's always an ongoing process), but literally digging up pockets of creativity stashed away in our little home. it's recently dawned on me that part of what keeps me from engaging in daily creative work is the simple fact that my tools aren't handy--they're mostly stashed away out of sight which makes me tend to forget they even exist. so lately i've begun to organize them.

about a month ago i created a little 'creativity corner' in our living room. it holds the best armchair, my favorite little palm tree lamp and a small bookcase where i've consolidated all of my creativity books.

i've been gradually acquiring some older cameras, but they were scattered around the house. last week i picked up a lovely floral hatbox to store them in and it fits perfectly under the chair in my creativity corner.

but that's just a start. when you live in a very small space, one tends to utilize every nook and cranny for storage space. just yesterday i looked under our bed (we store things there) and found a pattern and fabric for a dress i was going to make...five years ago!  i've gotten so good at tucking things away that i've forgotten they exist!  cameras, notebooks and journals, collages, poems, jewelry-making materials, art supplies, fabric for sewing projects. 

so my wish this week is to jump-start my creativity by digging up the tools and prompts i've already planted in my home creativity garden.  ;)

Full Buck Moon

Full Buck Moon by MarilynM featuring Avalaya brooches

today's full moon is in Aquarius and is called the Full Thunder or Full Buck Moon. (thx to Lori-Lyn for that link.) it's "a call to women especially to step forward with your vision and ideas."

i pulled a few images that have long tugged at me. the immersion image represents a letting-go. i recently ordered this underwater camera. looking forward to shooting some images from the below the surface. sometimes we need a change in perspective to see what's right in front of us in a new light.

join those of us who've linked our dreamboards at Jamie's here. as Jamie says in her post, "It’s a deliciously creative way to check in with your spirit and get a picture of your dreams."

may this full moon shed light on your dreams...and brighten the path that leads you to them. xo

reset

like i imagine most of you, i listened/watched in horror as the events of the Fort Hood shootings unfolded.  i happened to be at my desk when the news started breaking on twitter.  those are the moments when, in my opinion, twitter is at its best...when it's a valuable information-sharing tool in times of energency.  the tweeting in my stream (including by me) wasn't speculation on motive or what the ethnicity of the shooters might be (at the time reports said there may have been three)...rather we were trying to stick with the facts as they were being reported by the major news outlets and by officials.  (i follow the Army account.)  there were tweets coming from Texas that blood donations were desperately needed at a hospital that had several of the victims.  and the Red Cross tweeted a number where people could check on their loved ones and/or report that they were okay.  a little later there was a hotline number that had been set up by the base which was extensively retweeted. I could tell by some tweets that others were seeing some pretty hateful and ignorant comments in their Twitter streams.  i retweeted something that ABC reporter Jake Tapper tweeted which summed it up perfectly for me:

"This is a time for the best in Americans to come out, not the worst. Let's donate blood, pray, have well wishes, stick to facts."

I didn't watch the TV news or any cable pundits.  I was on Twitter for about an hour while the story broke and then I laid down with a book of poems and took a nap. 

I had Facebook open while I was on Twitter and would occasionally pop over there as the news was unfolding to see what was happening.  given that I was off FB for years, it was my first experience of it during a tragedy/emergency.  I updated a couple of times there about the shooting (just a couple of sentences apiece)...but NO ONE i follow at FB said one word about it.  that sort of blew me away, especially since Jeffrey's FB community had offered him so much support when his brother died recently.  it was particularly heartbreaking to read the tweets of those who had loved ones and friends at Fort Hood and were unable to reach them to make sure they were okay, so it sort of stunned me that i was reading such an outpouring of support and thoughts and prayers on twitter...and on FB it was all Farmville and funny videos and silly chatter.  i really don't get Facebook.  i'm sorry if this offends anyone, but it sort of reminds me in a strange way of this town where we live.  it seems cool on the surface, but once you really get settled in, you find it's not really very welcoming, sort of clique-ish and leaves me kind of clueless as to how to maneuver my way through since it doesn't feel like just being myself is acceptable.  it feels like there are some sort of rules that everyone knows but me.  maybe i'm just so used to experiencing so much twitter-love that FB seems like a cold, distant relative in comparison.  :)

so tonight, post-nap, after checking in at Twitter for the latest developments, i  sat down to watch a little CNN and thought maybe i'd make another collage at the same time.  i gave myself the challenge of using just one magazine.  it's not that i don't have several at my disposal, but rather than clipping images out of several mags to get the 'best' ones, i wanted to see if i could look a little deeper to create from what is.  (because that's a lesson i'm trying to play out on several levels in my life.)  the magazine i grabbed at random was a Time with a cover story about exercise.  i knew sort of where i wanted to go with the collage, but couldn't imagine how i'd do it with the issue in my hand.  but as i listened to former soldiers talk about how in the military they're taught to not seek mental health help, i felt really sad that we train our soldiers to be killers and ask them to perform extremely violent acts...and then tell them afterward to just 'suck it up.'  that's a really broken system, if you ask me...and i started thinking of all the ways in life (both personally and communally) that we could really use a big, fat RESET button.

there weren't many images in the magazine that appealed to me, but i did clip a few.  and just to let you know the kinds of thoughts that were roaming through my head as i listened to coverage of the shootings while flipping through the magazine, i'll share a couple.  that photo of the empty Congressional chamber that i placed upside down (and doesn't it sort of look like a Pharaoh's crown?) has the word "love" at the end of the aisle. that's to remind me that even when we're 'across the aisle' from someone...even when we feel our beliefs and ideology are the complete opposite of someone else's...there's really only one true path in life that supercedes all that head stuff, which needs to be turned on its head anyway...and that's love.  i placed the "RESET" button at the base of that figure because i think that when we really want to impact fundamental change within ourselves, we must start first with our baser instincts.  i put a suit jacket on that beautiful man to remind me that even in our most rigid roles, we have the opportunity to be beautiful warriors...but not warriors for fighting...warriors for love...with the ultimate endpoint to get to a place where we can feel even just a tiny bit (that's why the type is small) more evolved...

keeper of secrets

yesterday on Facebook, Elizabeth (hello, old friend...remember what i said yesterday about being genuinely happy when bloggers you've 'known' for years start hitting?  E falls into that category, too.) linked to these Teesha Moore videos on collaging tips.  good stuff!  though i'm not really into the whole lettering thing...mainly because i have no talent for it.  but i really liked when she showed how she makes borders for her collages...i'm not used to doing that. 

around late morning, as J went to run an errand, i gathered up a few supplies and moved to my funky wooden white $5 desk on the front porch.  it was a gorgeous day and as the sun streamed through the bamboo shades, i started rifling through what was left of that SOMA mag i'd used for the collage in the last post.  i have plenty of magazines lying around, but i felt like starting with that one.  (as it was, i started and finished with it.)  i thought we had some cheap watercolors on hand, but i couldn't find them.  must have left them behind in St. Thomas...which goes to show just how long it's been since i looked for them. so i used construction paper rather than a painted journal page as my base.  the paper's just a touch larger than the scan screen...the borders don't actually go all the way to the edges of the paper.  next time i'll know to trim the paper before i make the collage.  

it might appear that i had the name (phrase) in mind while i was making this, but the opposite is true.  i was done with it...picked up the mag and rifled through the pages once more...and that phrase jumped out at me.  looking at the finished piece, i thought:  of course, she's the keeper of secrets.  look at that body...as if she's been hoarding her own and others' secrets and they've engorged her.  she has to light up to take the edge off.  ;)  i think of the floating head above her as her outward manifestation...she only looks like an old lady (with the old lady hair)...but beware what's underneath...

then i had to laugh. i look at others' collages and they seem so artful and sweet and adorable and inspirational.  mine just seems kinda...twisted.  :)

but i like the border idea and when this was done, i thought it might be fun to do a whole series and make a deck of cards out of them.  note:  i didn't say i'd actually do that (i.e., follow through)...just that it occurred to me that it would be a fun idea to play with.  lord knows, i'm brimming with ideas...being an idea generator has never been the problem...it's having one hold my attention long enough to actually do something with it.  because, you know, keeping secrets takes a lot of work.  it's actually quite draining.  ;)

2 collages in 2 days?  i'm gonna say this is for Art Every Day Month.  :)

dreamboard

i'd been afraid to look at my blog to see how long it had been since i'd posted.  (a couple of months.)  i keep meaning to post, but given what's been happening in my life, silence sometimes seems the best option.  i saw a tweet yesterday that sort of sums it up...

    "say nothing often."  ~Liturgy

(seems ironic that it would have been said by a New Zealand pastor, since i'm not remotely religious.)

depression is a demanding taskmaster. she constantly seeks your time and energy and attention.  selfish bitch.  i'm not down about any one thing...it's that there's been a constant stream of things over the last year or so.  it all just sort of piled up. until the next thing you know, you feel like a blog-mute. like maybe it's best to just not say anything at all...especially since so few know what's actually going on.  a few close friends know large chunks of the story, but almost no one (even family) knows everything. 

i had good intentions about November.  there's a smorgasbord of stuff to choose from to get one's ass in gear.  i could do NaNoWriMo, but knew i wouldn't because even though i like to write, fiction's not my thing.  i could do NaBloPoMo.  i could post daily--hell, i did that a lot for years before someone picked a month and gave it a name.  but i didn't post on Sunday and then didn't on Monday and by Tuesday i thought, oh, screw it.  i could do Leah's Art Every Day, a fabulous project from someone i adore.  Leah's one of my oldest blog pals, going back six years.  surely Leah could inspire me.  but...art?...every day?...when my productivity level lately on any front has barely registered above zero?  i'm not saying i won't participate at all this month...just that i don't feel up to committing to it by adding my name to the list.

on Monday Jamie posted on Facebook that it was time for full moon dreamboards.  I left her a comment that that might be just what i need right now...a dreamboard.  she commented back that great, she'd look forward to seeing it.  then i thought, oh crap, now i really have to do it.  :)  but Monday morning brought news of a death...and after we heard the news, J and i began rifling through old photos to see if we had any pictures of the man who'd passed from a tour they'd been on together.  next thing i knew, hours and hours had gone by...with me tumbling down the rabbit hole of memory lane.  so no dreamboard got made on Monday.  but i was awake very early Tuesday morning and saw that big bright moon outside, so while the coffee was brewing, i stood at the kitchen counter at 4 am and made one. i didn't have any poster board and didn't feel like going through a whole stack of magazines...so i used one issue of SOMA (which had been in our room at Hotel Lucia) and used the heavy card stock of the cover for my board.  it dawned on me while i was making it that i used to make them all the time...before anyone knew to call them dreamboards or visionboards. my bedroom walls were covered with them decades ago. and i thought about this pattern i have of letting go of things that bring me pleasure...collaging, dance, listening to music, fashion, writing, photography, poetry.  it's like i feel like i must let go of those things as some kind of punishment...yet i'm still not sure what the crime is. 

one of the best things about being a long-time blogger is the joy i feel witnessing bloggers bloom over the course of years.  it makes me genuinely happy when i see people really take off...Leah and Jamie fall into that category.  i think the mark they're making in the creative community is fantastic.  so this is for Jamie...she'll wanna know what i'm saying here...

see that tiny "love" in the upper right corner?  there's a reason it's small...love is always #1 in life, but i've spent a good 15 years doing almost everything for the love of others...so that's a reminder to me, as is the "M ONE," to put myself first for a change...to begin with self-love.

the street shot reminded me of New York...a place i used to go a lot but haven't been to in a long time...even just walking down the street there can feel like "showtime" to me...i miss that kind of energy.

the label on the lapel says "photographer" because that's one of the things i am...and always have been...even when i don't let others see it.

the boot is a reminder of the style that lives within me...even when i suppress outward manifestation of it. 

the water photo looks eerily like a shot i once took that always make me calm when i look at it.

the list of creative things...isn't it great that they were all right there in a list for me to just cut out?  :)  and check means that, yes, i'd like to be paid for my creativity.

i'd love an iPhone or some type of smartphone.  "book" isn't necessarily pages bound together. i've been encouraged by friends to write a book...but i'm not sure a traditional book is where my heart is.  in jazz, book can mean a band's reportoire. i mean it more like that...i want to create my book through various mediums...more of a virtual book...hence "personal ID."

and that, my friends, is what i wished for on this November's full moon.

this i believe...redux.

I just stumbled upon something I wrote a few months ago.  I rarely go back and read stuff I've written, but often when I do, I have no recollection of writing it.  I don't mean that in a 'she's losing her memory' sort of way.  I mean that sometimes when I write, it can be sort of a pure process...like I set my head down for a few moments and just let it flow.  You'd think I'd do it more often just for the pleasure of that experience.  :)  Anyway, this is recycled from May 9th of this year...(but the collage is new)... 

i believe in poetry rest stops.  i believe in taking showers by candlelight and losing myself in the zen of baseball.  i believe in the right to be wrong.  i believe in letting go of the need to be known in my pursuit of the knowing of me.  i believe thrift stores could more accurately be called treasure shops.  i believe in 'make-a-tions'...in the ability to see a vacation in even the narrowest travel window.  i believe there's a powerful lesson in beach glass...that no matter how ordinary we were starting out, being buffeted by life carves each of us into a unique find.  i believe in postcards...especially old ones with stranger's handwriting.  i believe in sacred thoughts and hope-bombs and wishful dreaming.  i believe wisdom is the most valuable currency.  i believe the love of a good dog can cure most ills.  i believe "amelie" is one of the best films ever.  i believe in making a spectacle of one's self.  i believe a splash of color is always a good thing.