California Fever

the end

It seemed ironic that yesterday's prompt at Sunday Scribblings was "the end."  After taking a blogging break over the weekend, I've decided that I'm going to step away from this blog.  I don't know in this moment if I'm abandoning it completely--if it's simply time to move on--or whether this will be more of a hiatus.  (I suspect the former.)  What I do know is this:  I've come to dread posting here, and that's not a good thing.  And judging by the comments (or lack of them), I think my so-called audience would agree that it's time to move on.  ;)

I started my first blog exactly four years ago.  (I don't remember the exact date, just that it was Labor Day.)  For the first few years we lived in the tropics, we didn't even have a computer, but eventually we bought a laptop.  I vividly remember that Labor Day four years ago, lounging on the love seat, legs dangling over the edge, the laptop on a small table at my side. I remember it so well because I've often thought how a hasty decision in that moment completely altered my life.

I was surfing the net and I came across an article on blogging.  I knew zip about blogging.  The article mentioned Blogger and how anyone could start a blog, for free.  As I continued to read--and began to comprehend the tiniest bit what a blog was--blogging suddenly seemed like a good solution for the guilt I'd felt at abandoning my 'island update' emails to family and friends back home on the mainland.  For three years I'd been writing lengthy, fairly regular emails to update people on our life in the islands.  But the emails I'd get in response had greatly diminished in number.  Yet every time I wrote that I was thinking about not sending the updates anymore, I'd get a flurry of emails asking me to continue, with people writing that they were getting a big vicarious thrill out of our island life (even though the only thing exciting about our dull life was that it was occurring in an island paradise).  Blogging seemed like the perfect solution.  I could put the info out there and the onus would be on them--they could either read it or not.  At that time, Blogger didn't offer comments on its free blogs, so it's not like I thought blogging was going to increase the responses. I didn't care--I just wanted that damn email monkey off my back.  And in that moment on Labor Day 2003, I made the decision to start a blog.  I'll bet I didn't think it through any longer than 2 or 3 minutes.

A year ago, a meme about blogging went around and one of the questions was, "Do you think there is any real benefit to blogging?"  My answer was, "You mean beyond completely and utterly changing my life?"  There is no way I could have possibly predicted what blogging would give me over the last four years.  I have met so many extraordinary people and made so many surprising connections through blogging.  Best of all, I've made friends.  Real, honest-to-goodness friends.  And don't let anyone tell you that blogging friendships aren't real. 

This is my second (main) blog, although I've had several ancillary blogs over the years.  When we made the decision to move back to the mainland, I felt it was time for a new blog to go with the new locale.  I've been blogging at California Fever for 2-1/2 years.  As I told Sheryl, who created the banner here, I feel like with this blog, I found my tribe.  But lately I've been feeling like I've lost my voice here.  I can't even remember the last time I wrote a 'real' post here.  Bloggers develop personas on their blogs, whether we like it or not.  And over time, I began to feel trapped by the one that was perceived to be mine here.  So much so, that the thought of stepping away and putting my blogging energies elsewhere began to feel like a relief. 

Unlike my decision to start my first blog, the decision to step away from this one has not been a hasty one, believe me.  I've been toying with the idea for months, but I thought I was just going through one of those blogging cycles all long-time bloggers experience.  Sometimes our voice dries up a bit or we lose the enthusiasm for blogging as a medium or 'real' life gets so busy that we don't have time for it.  But, for me, this felt like something else.  It felt like it was time to free myself up a bit.  And if I'm to be entirely truthful (and I'm only just now beginning to bounce back from this), some stuff went down at my workplace a few months back that sort of crushed my (work) spirit a bit.  And that may be a part of why I'm craving some real blogging change.

It's not easy to step away from a place that's given me so much love and support, but as someone who's led a very transient life, I'm a big advocate for the gifts of change.  But I'm not abandoning blogging--on the contrary!  I'm just freeing myself up to experience the blogosphere in different ways.  So I hope we can stay connected.  I'll still be visiting your blogs.  And if you'd like to visit me, for the time being, you can find me at...

Vox - The Land of Moo

poetry - Moojo Cafe

If you're on MySpace, let's be friends!

One of my current faves, Twitter.

Flickr  (And now that I have a camera again--courtesy of the enormous generosity of Eve--I can start posting to Flickr again.)

And, as always, you can find Jill and me at Bloggers for Darfur.  (Now maybe I'll be a better Darfur advocate--have hardly spent any time at all lately blogging about that.)

One of the most remarkable experiences of my blogging life has been the opportunity to meet some bloggers in 'real' life.  Last Friday night, I had that opportunity again, when the delightful and fabulously talented Linda and her husband Tom came to Jeffrey's gig in the City.  You can read about it at Linda's.  And that, my friends, is just a glimpse of the gifts that blogging has given to me. 

I'm not leaving...I'm just (hopefully) morphing a bit.  Peace and love.  Or as Mari says, Love and Happiness.

Ten Seconds of Travel

Leave it to Pam to put a fabulous spin on BlogHer's "Ten-Second Me" meme that's floating around.  (Mine is here.)  Since Pam is not only a veteran traveler, but covers travel for BlogHer, she did "Ten Seconds of Travel."  This is a fun one.  Maybe you'd like to do this one, too.  If you do, leave a comment for Pam here.

• Crazy: The 36 hours I was up when I flew from S.F. to Frankfurt and then took about 3 trains to get to Geneva.
  
• Guilty Pleasure:  St. Thomas - I used to feel just the tiniest bit guilty that we got to live there.
• Romantic:  The vacation we just took.  J (being a musician who'd just come off a named tour) said we needed a name for our trip, so I dubbed it the "Rekindling the Romance Tour"...and it did.  ;)
• Surreal:  The exhibitionist transvestite who kept removing his skirt during a choral performance in Geneva.
• Good clean fun:  Game 1 of the '86 World Series at Shea Stadium with a sportswriter friend.  Having grown up around baseball (it was my Dad's sport), it was pretty cool to be at a World Series game in N.Y.
• Lives up to the hype:  Magens Bay, St. Thomas - I used to walk it every day after work and swim there on weekends.  (sigh)  Even though many cruise ship visitors go there, it's truly a wonderful beach.  (I know this is supposed to be about travel and not residency...but living there felt a bit like being on vacation all the time.)
• Planning:  Trying to figure out how we can get away for even 2 or 3 days of camping this summer.
• Scheming:  Still dream of taking a road trip across the U.S.
• Never leave home without:  transistor radio and earplugs - I'm an old-school insomniac.
• Always forget:  at least one toiletry item
• Travel companion:  Jeffrey, of course!  ;)
• Most life changing:  2 months of (mostly solo) travel in Europe
• Gave up:  Camping on the beach in Ensenada in just a sleeping bag.  I was 18 and traveling with 2 girlfriends.  I woke with about 35 mosquito bites on my face and neck.
• Favorite airport:  PDX - I don't know why--maybe because I said so many goodbyes to Jeffrey there.  (You'd think that would make it my least favorite.)
• Gear lust:  a good digital camera and a video camera
• Destination lust:  Archer City, TX to see Larry McMurtry's Booked Up
• Home:  Davis, CA (for right now)...but Crescent City, CA will always be home.

BlogMe2007

Ten-Second Me

Whether or not you're attending the BlogHer conference in Chicago next week (I'm not), you're invited to participate in "blogme2007."  Simply introduce yourself in 10 seconds.  You can read about it and find the instructions here.  You can leave your Ten-Second Me in the comments at BlogHer or on your own blog.  Here's mine:

I've been everything from a television producer to a motel maid and plenty in between.  Right now I work as a registrar at a junior high where I also do a lot of activities work with the kids (which is not part of my job description).  But that's just about a paycheck.  Who am I really?  A blogger, Twitterer, sometime poet, Darfur activist, MySpacer, occasional writer, loyal friend, cheerleader for anyone pursuing their dreams, loving mate, devoted Aunt.  I'm a Luddite at heart who loves the hierarchy-flattening power of blogging.  I'm not religious, but have a church.  People who know me in 'real' life would tell you I'm a sarcastic smart-ass.  I love Albert Brooks, my 30-year-old Schwinn, road trips, transistor radios, backroads, clotheslines and summer.

blogme2007

Kids for Kids

Once again, Thursday is going to come and go without me participating at Poetry Thursday.  I've been so distracted by other things--other pursuits and pleasures--that I'd completely forgotten what this week's prompt was.  It was to write a poem with dialogue.  Honestly, I'm not sure I could do that with loads of prep time, let alone on the fly.  I thought about trying to dash off a poem using the random prompt generator...until I realized I'm just not in a poetry mood today.  But head on over to PT to check out what poetsphere has given us today.

I've really come to realize in the last week that J's been gone just how much I've been craving QUIET.  Don't misunderstand, he's a very quiet and soft-spoken person, often a man of few words.  I think I've been craving quiet time to dance to my own rhythms.  I can be utterly selfish while he's gone, and I'm reveling in it.  I'm also feeling quite out of balance with regard to my 'real' vs. professional life--feeling such pleasure in my own life and such aggravation in my work life--that it makes me want to soak up the sensual pleasures offline even more.  So if I haven't been by your blog in awhile, rest assured I'll make it there eventually.  I'm just lost right now in my own la-la land of self-nourishment.

And I need to find some real balance re the work situation.  Something beyond walking out to the school garden at lunchtime yesterday to clip some roses for my desk to remind me of beauty.  My head can get so wrapped up in fighting the fight on that front that finding this Daily Om message in my IN box this morning can only lead to annoyance...

Sometimes we find it difficult to see the good in people, places, or situations that aren't to our liking.  We focus on the things we don't like in our lives as a way of fueling our efforts to create change.  There is nothing inherently wrong with this, and it is one way we make progress.  However, if we get too caught up in this way of looking at the world, we lose touch with our ability to sit back and simply say yes to everything on our plates, which is the true starting point for all successful activity.  Sometimes what we really need is to encourage ourselves to look deeply into all things in our lives to see the inherent goodness at the heart of everything.

Well, who the hell wants to do that?!  ;)  I'm really struggling at work since I find myself in a situation where I feel quite taken advantage of.  It's hard for me to not get riled up over the injustice of it, and lord knows, fewer things in life can rile me more than injustice.  How does one reach a place of acceptance without being a doormat?  If someone has that magical answer, would you please email it to me?  STAT!  ;)

On a positive note, I'm working with Kids for Kids to see if we can have its founder, Patricia Parker, speak to a group of students at my school in a couple of weeks.  It's a wonderful opportunity for the kids to hear about a charity that helps children help other children, specifically the children of Darfur.  I hope we can make it happen.  And it's only a possibility because they found me through this blog.  Just one of the million reasons why I love the blogosphere.  Please hold a good thought that we can make it happen.

Ten Zen Seconds

I think Eric Maisel's Ten Zen Seconds might be my new favorite thing...even though I haven't tried it yet.  Maisel is a prolific author and considered by many to be the Granddaddy of creativity coaching.  I've never read any of his books, but his most recent one sounds like a gem.  I discovered it via a comment Catherine left at Poetry Thursday in Liz Elayne's post here.  In that post, Liz offers a gentle reminder on how we can let go of self-judgment.  (Although, to be honest, I'd say I've probably spent more time lately sitting in judgment of others.  But I think I'm ready to hang up my robe, hand over my gavel and walk away from the bench...)

Catherine interviewed Maisel as part of his recent blog tour and you can read the interview here.

In that interview, Maisel says Ten Zen Seconds is:

"...a very simple but powerful technique for reducing your stress, getting yourself centered, and reminding yourself about how you want to live your life."

"You use a deep breath, five seconds on the inhale and five seconds on the exhale, as a container for important thoughts that aim you in the right direction in life..."

He's developed what he calls 12 "incantations," and in the blog interview he lists them divided by inhale and exhale.  You know how you read or come across something and it seems so simple that you start thinking it can't possibly work--it's too easy!  I suspect a lot of people might have the same initial reaction to Ten Zen Seconds.  Read some of the reviews here.  It sounds from those reviews like this simple little technique might lead to big shifts. 

"...reminding yourself about how you want to live your life."  And the idea of using our breath as a "container for important thoughts that aim you in the right direction in life."  If ever I needed a reminders about mindful breathing and right direction, it's lately.  I'm going give Ten Zen Seconds a try.

absolution

The prompt at Sunday Scribblings today is "deepest, darkest."  With April being National Poetry Month, Poetry Thursday has launched their prompt-a-day feature for April.  Today's prompt is "absolve."  I'm going to see if I can somehow merge the two...

how can i heal that
broken place still inside
me the place that knows
what's right and still
often doesn't do it
the place that keeps
me in avoidance about
stillness and quiet where
the hamsters in my
mind break world sprint
records on their wheels
it's like there are
wires jiggled loose
from lurching about
all those years it's the
place where my shame
lives in a cluttered
basement the place
you want to scream out
"don't go down the stairs!"
where vendors line the
streets peddling jealousy
and meanness and
resentment and revenge
they lure me in with sale
signs promising a 50%
discount on karma
where shortcuts are the
norm and self-servingness
lives in the mirror where
everyone dances one
step forward and two
back

i beat myself up over all
that i still do and all
that i am not until i
realize that absolution
is a minute by minute
business and i turn off
the play-by-play running
in my head and look out
at the horizon as a new
day dawns to breathe in
the knowledge yet again
that to quiet the darkness
i need only to kiss the
light

I don't even know what that means--soul.  Traditionally it is believed to be the component of ourselves that survives physical death; a reflection of the Holy, made up of light and breath and silence and love, of everything ancient and of babies about to be born.  C. S. Lewis said, "You don't have a soul.  You are a soul.  You have a body."  If this is right, we have a purpose, which is to shine, like the moon shining in the sky; or to paraphrase the old bumper sticker:  Think globally, shine locally.

~ Anne Lamott, Grace (Eventually) - Thoughts on Faith

spinning

I don't know why I felt compelled to title this post that way.  Maybe because my head and heart are spinning at the moment.  I've just been by Patti's 37 Days blog...and she's done it again, at least for me.  She's created a brand-new 37 Days Challenge.  Actually there are two parts to it this time--an immediate action and a movement over 37 days.  All to do with our shadows.   

From Patti's blog post:  "Most of the shadows of this life are caused standing in our own sunshine."  ~Henry Ward Beecher

During my last year or so in the islands I began to occasionally photograph my shadow.  It gave me great pleasure to do it.  I don't know why--maybe because I don't like having my face photographed.  I typically look horrible in photos.  I'm not being self-deprecating--the camera loves some people, but it doesn't typically like me.  Years ago I had to stand-in for a celeb host on a shoot we were doing while the gaffers tweaked the lights.  Our director told me later that I looked good on camera--that I really popped.  Given that he was a friend, I thought he was just B.S.'ing me.  But maybe still photos just aren't my medium--maybe I need movement.  Although that was 15 years ago--I suspect that at 52 I'd just rather not capture my image anywhere.  :) 

But I am going to start capturing a daily photo of my shadow as part of Patti's new challenge.  And just to get the ball rolling, I pulled some old photos off DVD's and started a new "shadows" Flickr set.  I'm not going to count them as part of my 37 days of shadows--I put them there as a reminder that I've already dipped my toe in and that, yes, the water's fine.

The other thing that's had my head spinning the last few days is Keri Smith's new project, Wreck This Journal.  (I've already posted about this at Ning.)  She has a book by that name coming out in June.  She's created a new site for the project and is posting assignments and allowing participants to suggest instructions. And as wild as one's imagination can get visualizing some of those ideas, even better is that we can see what participants are doing because Keri's started a new Flickr pool where participants can post phots of their Wreck This Journal pages.  Check it out--there's some fabulous stuff there.

But what is Wreck This Journal, you might be asking?  And why would someone want to wreck a perfectly good journal? :)  Read the story on the Wreck This Journal site where she talks about creative destruction:

The intent of creative destruction is to move beyond aesthetic judgements of whether a mark/alteration is good or bad, but instead to allow the mark to exist as documentation of a physical experience or as kind of expression. While the term “destruction” has historically had a negative connotation, in this context it is used to imply simply “alteration."

Maybe it's just me, but these two projects--Patti's and Keri's--seem like wonderful companion pieces.  Shadow as a counterpoint to light...destruction as a counterpoint to creation.  I can remember sitting in a diner with Jeffrey late one night after a gig years ago and telling him that one thing I'd begun to learn as part of my (sobriety) recovery was that if I embraced my dark side, I wouldn't have to live from it.  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but both of these projects call out to me for the act of embracing that which we sometimes innately turn away from.

********************
I've got a busy weekend.  Ciara has a championship basketball game this morning.  Her team of 9-year-olds is undefeated.  Rumor has it there's a pizza party afterwards.  My folks are in town for the weekend.  J and I will be heading to Mill Valley (one of my favorite California towns--Marin is my old stomping grounds) later because he has a gig at Sweetwater tonight. (It's a club I first started frequenting 27 years ago.)  ;)  Regular readers will recall me mentioning Bonnie Hayes.  She plays Sweetwater tomorrow night.  Her old pal Vicki Randle is also on the bill.  (I just have to plug them when I can because they're both so talented and I've loved their music for years.)

That's all just to say that I think I'm going to pass on Sunday Scribblings tomorrow and focus on these other projects this weekend. The prompt this week is "in the kitchen"...something I know very little about anyway.  ;)  But I do want to congratulate Sunday Scribblings on hitting the 1-year mark!

Have a wonderful weekend.

 

sculpting

My horoscope from Rob Brezny's Free Will Astrology newsletter this week:

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The bumper sticker I saw today said, "Having abandoned my search for the truth, I'm now looking for a good fantasy." Though it's meant to be sarcastic, it's actually a perfectly useful piece of advice for you right now. Consider this: The truth is overrated. It's so complicated and ever-shifting that it's impossible to pin down. To earnestly pursue it is often a waste of your valuable time and energy. Besides, why bother trying to *understand* the nature of reality when it's more important and productive to aggressively *shape* the nature of reality? As another bumper sticker says, "Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself." In light of these meditations, Capricorn, I suggest that you drum up some fresh, fun, fabulous fantasies.

I like that:  Life isn't about finding yourself...it's about creating yourself. I've long thought of the quest for authenticity as sculpture--where we get to be both the sculptor and the end result.  Digging and chipping away at defenses to reveal that which is already there.

Rob opened this week's newsletter with this quote:

"All emotions are pure which gather you and lift you up; that emotion is impure which seizes only one side of your being and so distorts you." – Rainer Maria Rilke

Indeed.  Happy Friday.

manifesting

I really enjoyed the discussion yesterday on this post.  Additional comments (from non-Ning members) are here.  I enjoy a good discussion when we can appreciative each other's points of view without attacking each other.

Feel like continuing the conversation?  I'd like to know how you feel about the word "manifesting."  The post is here.  And as before, non-Ning members can leave their comments right here.

positivity

I'd really love to know what you think about all of this.  (I think Ning only allows members to comment, but you can always leave a comment here.)