I haven't felt like writing here for the last few weeks...and I've been wondering why that is. Part of it is just that I needed a breather. Sometimes it gets to be too much to keep up with online: multiple email accounts, blogs, videoblogging, audioblogging, Flickr, 43 Things and reading all of your blogs. And then throw in the recent blog carnivals and aem. But the bigger issue is that I had too much emotional (family) stuff happen in too short a time span to not take time to process the prehistoric feelings that were being dredged up. What I've craved most the last couple of weeks is sleep, and I've been sleeping a lot, for me, and napping--long and hard--at odd times. I wasn't craving a break from blogging necessarily--I love the connection I feel when I come here--but from writing deeply here.
I'm not going to blog about the emotional stuff I've been dealing with, but suffice it to say that I've found myself waking in the wee hours in the midst of intense dreams feeling pissed. As much as I love being back in my home state, there was a freedom in living thousands of miles away from family. It's hard being folded back into the fold...because I don't fit neatly into the box.
Remember that Jack-in-the-box you had as a child? That cheap tin box with the little musical crank? And how when you were really little, it was a challenge to get Jack scrunched back into the box? I've spent much of my life feeling like that toy. I'm not nearly as serious as most people think upon first meeting me. I can be as goofy and unpredictable as Jack...and I don't go easily and willingly back into the box. But I've grown wary of being misunderstood, so it's often easier to keep big chunks of myself hidden when dealing with most people. Not to be fake or insincere--because the shy person they get at first impression is a big, genuine part of me--but to let only a small part of myself be known beyond that because many people get uncomfortable when Jack comes out. Even though I don't play it out much in my day-to-day life anymore, there's a big part of me that still loves to be goofy and unpredictable when people least expect it. After all, that was the whole appeal of the toy--not just that he'd eventually pop up...but that you could be caught off-guard when he did.
I took one of my aem collages to work and pinned it to the bulletin board that spans the length of my desk. One of my coworkers spotted it the other day and asked (pointing in a circular fashion), "What's all this?" Indeed. What IS all this? I replied only, "Oh, it's just a little collage I made at home." Silence. And her silence made me laugh...inside. Because I realized she literally didn't know what to say. She thinks I'm just the tin box. She hasn't peeked around her first impression to see that there's a crank in my side...and that I just might let Jack pop up and startle her when she least expects it.







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