the end

It seemed ironic that yesterday's prompt at Sunday Scribblings was "the end."  After taking a blogging break over the weekend, I've decided that I'm going to step away from this blog.  I don't know in this moment if I'm abandoning it completely--if it's simply time to move on--or whether this will be more of a hiatus.  (I suspect the former.)  What I do know is this:  I've come to dread posting here, and that's not a good thing.  And judging by the comments (or lack of them), I think my so-called audience would agree that it's time to move on.  ;)

I started my first blog exactly four years ago.  (I don't remember the exact date, just that it was Labor Day.)  For the first few years we lived in the tropics, we didn't even have a computer, but eventually we bought a laptop.  I vividly remember that Labor Day four years ago, lounging on the love seat, legs dangling over the edge, the laptop on a small table at my side. I remember it so well because I've often thought how a hasty decision in that moment completely altered my life.

I was surfing the net and I came across an article on blogging.  I knew zip about blogging.  The article mentioned Blogger and how anyone could start a blog, for free.  As I continued to read--and began to comprehend the tiniest bit what a blog was--blogging suddenly seemed like a good solution for the guilt I'd felt at abandoning my 'island update' emails to family and friends back home on the mainland.  For three years I'd been writing lengthy, fairly regular emails to update people on our life in the islands.  But the emails I'd get in response had greatly diminished in number.  Yet every time I wrote that I was thinking about not sending the updates anymore, I'd get a flurry of emails asking me to continue, with people writing that they were getting a big vicarious thrill out of our island life (even though the only thing exciting about our dull life was that it was occurring in an island paradise).  Blogging seemed like the perfect solution.  I could put the info out there and the onus would be on them--they could either read it or not.  At that time, Blogger didn't offer comments on its free blogs, so it's not like I thought blogging was going to increase the responses. I didn't care--I just wanted that damn email monkey off my back.  And in that moment on Labor Day 2003, I made the decision to start a blog.  I'll bet I didn't think it through any longer than 2 or 3 minutes.

A year ago, a meme about blogging went around and one of the questions was, "Do you think there is any real benefit to blogging?"  My answer was, "You mean beyond completely and utterly changing my life?"  There is no way I could have possibly predicted what blogging would give me over the last four years.  I have met so many extraordinary people and made so many surprising connections through blogging.  Best of all, I've made friends.  Real, honest-to-goodness friends.  And don't let anyone tell you that blogging friendships aren't real. 

This is my second (main) blog, although I've had several ancillary blogs over the years.  When we made the decision to move back to the mainland, I felt it was time for a new blog to go with the new locale.  I've been blogging at California Fever for 2-1/2 years.  As I told Sheryl, who created the banner here, I feel like with this blog, I found my tribe.  But lately I've been feeling like I've lost my voice here.  I can't even remember the last time I wrote a 'real' post here.  Bloggers develop personas on their blogs, whether we like it or not.  And over time, I began to feel trapped by the one that was perceived to be mine here.  So much so, that the thought of stepping away and putting my blogging energies elsewhere began to feel like a relief. 

Unlike my decision to start my first blog, the decision to step away from this one has not been a hasty one, believe me.  I've been toying with the idea for months, but I thought I was just going through one of those blogging cycles all long-time bloggers experience.  Sometimes our voice dries up a bit or we lose the enthusiasm for blogging as a medium or 'real' life gets so busy that we don't have time for it.  But, for me, this felt like something else.  It felt like it was time to free myself up a bit.  And if I'm to be entirely truthful (and I'm only just now beginning to bounce back from this), some stuff went down at my workplace a few months back that sort of crushed my (work) spirit a bit.  And that may be a part of why I'm craving some real blogging change.

It's not easy to step away from a place that's given me so much love and support, but as someone who's led a very transient life, I'm a big advocate for the gifts of change.  But I'm not abandoning blogging--on the contrary!  I'm just freeing myself up to experience the blogosphere in different ways.  So I hope we can stay connected.  I'll still be visiting your blogs.  And if you'd like to visit me, for the time being, you can find me at...

Vox - The Land of Moo

poetry - Moojo Cafe

If you're on MySpace, let's be friends!

One of my current faves, Twitter.

Flickr  (And now that I have a camera again--courtesy of the enormous generosity of Eve--I can start posting to Flickr again.)

And, as always, you can find Jill and me at Bloggers for Darfur.  (Now maybe I'll be a better Darfur advocate--have hardly spent any time at all lately blogging about that.)

One of the most remarkable experiences of my blogging life has been the opportunity to meet some bloggers in 'real' life.  Last Friday night, I had that opportunity again, when the delightful and fabulously talented Linda and her husband Tom came to Jeffrey's gig in the City.  You can read about it at Linda's.  And that, my friends, is just a glimpse of the gifts that blogging has given to me. 

I'm not leaving...I'm just (hopefully) morphing a bit.  Peace and love.  Or as Mari says, Love and Happiness.

Comments

[Sam]

I can't be sad about this, but change is hard for ME to accept! Even other people's changes! I think you're, as always, following your soul and your heart, and that's what is most important. You know I'll follow you wherever you go, all over the blogosphere.

[patti digh]

I can so understand the thread that leads you to this decision, and will miss your voice here. I hope we will stay in touch - it would be a great pleasure to meet you someday!

[mari]

I'm crushed. I think I came across your blog about a year ago, which is when I started to blog myself (also with a previous blog). California Fever has been so fun to read, and I've looked forward to every new post impatiently. But like Sam and Patti, I understand your need for change and I encourage you to follow your heart. Please stay in touch! Hugs, kisses, love and happiness. mari

[Jill]

I'll be following you at all of those places! (And of course I'm keeping my RSS subscription to this blog as well, so that if you do start posting here again, I'll know instantaneously.)

[mary]

Ah darn it, now that I found you and have you on my blogline alerts you're slosing up shop! Good luck, and I totally understand. I am nearing the four yr. mark (began on AOl and moved to blogger) and am struggling for my voice.

[Margaret]

A voice is a hard thing to have and keep on a blog since it is only a written record. It isn't sometimes alive with our feelings, opinions and dreams like we would want it to be. I'm so sorry about the work issues, and that you are stepping away. However, I do understand why you would do so. Au revoir.

[Chris]

I'm sorry to see you "end" here but am glad to know I'll see you elsewhere - I'm glad I've stumbled into your little world. :)

[leah]

i'm looking forward to seeing your metamorphosis, marilyn. i've enjoyed reading your blog for years, but i totally understand that need to change things up. i would never want to lose touch with you, but i'm not so much sad about this ending as i am excited about the new beginning. :-) much love and hugs to you.

[Jeri]

I'm with Sam, I'll follow you where ever you go. xoxo

[lizardek]

Do you know, I agree that your voice here in this space has changed a lot over the past 6 months or so. You haven't seemed to BE HERE somehow. I've got my arms linked with Sam's, we're right behind you ;)

[Eliza]

I'll miss your posts here but I "followed" ya to Vox (matter of fact you and Jill were my first two comments!), Flickr, and I think I may have already added you on myspace so I'll keep an eye out for when you return.

[Melba]

I understand how blogging has changed your life.
I know I will be seeing you around!

Wishing you well~
XO,
Melba

[Sheryl]

Hope the next thing is even better. Viva la Twitter!

[linda]

WHAT!? Wait a minute! Wait. Don't go!

(I'll be all right in a little while. I won't lose track of you. But, but ...)

It will take me a little while to digest everything you said in this post. I'm SO GLAD I MET YOU! Maybe I'll see you again soon.

But ...

[Stephanie]

One of the greatest results of blogging for me was going to that Darfur rally with you, and for that I thank you. Thank you for the voice you have had in this blogging world, thank you for making a difference in my life, and thank you for sharing your life here. I will miss you, but I'll also follow you to your other Internet hang out spots :)

[gautami]

Don't close this blog. Come back to it when you want to. Just let it sleep for a while.

[Elizabeth]

Oh me oh my (to quote Joan Armatrading)-- what a mix of emotions. of COURSE I understand and support you, but it will be strange not to have CD to check in on. I will echo Lizardek that it seemed you weren't really "here" for awhile now, but I just figured you come back one of these days.

Change is growth. Shedding a blog is shedding a skin so that something new can grow--- I celebrate that for you and know it will bring all measure of new events, new people and new experiences into your life!

As for the job thing-- I am sorry and wished you'd shared it with us-- we would have rallied behind you. I know for myself I have been nothing but a whiny baby on my site but oh how sweet to have the strong voices of support power through and keep me upright.

Whatever you do, Marilyn, be happy--- all the very best.

[Joy]

Well Marilyn, I've been wondering if and when you might make this move...one that I've felt could happen at anytime. I guess I've felt the change in your writing here too. One thing I've learned about you over the past two+ years is that you need to follow your heart....your big loving, passionate heart....that's how you exist. I support your decision and you....wherever you are. Please stay in touch with us sweetie...we'll be checking on you too.

[pam]

I'm just resetting my feeds to over there, and there and there, and all those other places you use words and other fine things...

Forward.

xoP

[Carmen]

I know we are meeting one of these days...
I am going to miss you here my dear favorite cheerleader and sister ;-)
God bless you!

[Kerstin]

Hi Marilyn,

You will be missed sorely!! But after four years I cannot blame you; I've been having similar thoughts after my two years of blogging.

I think it is amazing how blogging has changed your life; I am sure it is fair to say that you have also had an impact on the blogging world.

Hope there is a light at the end of the work tunnel for you; someone as hard working and genuine as you should not be crushed but celebrated!

I will keep you in my bloglines ... just in case :)

Take good care,
Kerstin

[violetismycolor]

good travels and big hugs to you and Jeffrey.

[tinker]

Although I'm sitting here feeling stunned - this is the second blog friend closing their blog, I've seen today - and I don't deal with change very well either, even when I know that sometimes change is good - but I'm glad to know you'll still be blogging somewhere, 'cause I'd sure miss reading your words, Marilyn - and I hope to read many more of them, on these links and anywhere else you choose to post them. *Hugs*

[Rozanne]

If you're ***dreading*** posting here then that's def. a sign to step back.

Take as much time off as you need, but you'll be missed and I hope you'll be back!

[Laura]

I am sad to see this because I would like to continue to see you around, but I'm sure I will somehow. Thank you for your kind comment at M,M.

I hope that, wherever your journey takes you, it treats you well.